tinnitus – Hearing Elmo

Something’s Missing…

Published on December 7, 2009 by hearingelmo7 Comments

My daughter was about 75% finished with this Thomas Kinkade puzzle when she realized she was missing a piece!

This past week, my daughter realized she was missing a piece of a puzzle. In spite of this, she stubbornly completed it. Her original intent was to frame the completed project, but after the missing piece was discovered she dejectedly took it apart and put it up. At least she didn’t let it get her too down… she went out and purchased a bigger, more colorful puzzle the next day!

Ever Feel Like Something is Missing?

We’ve had a tough month here in the Portis household. There have been some pretty major events that have taken its toll on us emotionally and physically. Terry has finally stopped having bad dreams at night, and my doctor is now “on my case” as it ultimately disrupted my once regulated blood pressure. I was forced to make a medication change, and I see her again in two weeks. Basically this has NOT BEEN FUN.

When our children are little and something hurts them… chances are a “barbie doll band aid” or “spider man patch” was enough to make the “owwie” feel better. If their feelings were hurt, a simple pep talk and instructions to “shake hands and say you are sorry” sufficed. Having young adult children is no easy task. They are independent thinkers and for the most part make daily decisions with only occasional requests for advice from mom and dad. Kyersten will only be living at home full-time for another 8 months as she transfers to a 4-year college next August. Needless to say, I am “treasuring up” these days. Both of our kids work part-time and go to school full-time. They serve in our church and are busy. They are also old enough for life to hit them hard with tragedy and heart ache. As young adults, their “boo-boos” are more serious. It’s very difficult as parents seeing your child face their first “life changing challenge”. It won’t be their last, but it isn’t fun to witness the first and be helpless to intervene.

Perhaps because we’ve been experiencing some very real emotional duress, I have been “waiting for the other shoe to drop“. Have you ever felt that way? It may be that you’ve been through something difficult and even though things are looking up, you sense something bad is still going to happen. Perhaps it’s the result of living for a prolonged period of time under stress. I think we can get in the habit of feeling stress and pressure. Even when life begins to smooth out, we are in the habit of waking up tense. I can’t shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen again.

I wake up that way, and go to bed the same. This has affected even my tinnitus, balance and hearing! Stress and pressure only make acquired disabilities seem worse. Oh sure! This trial has brought me to my knees in a hurry. I believe in prayer and do not have to be coached to go to God when I need advice, comfort, healing, forgiveness or thankfulness. When tragedy strikes, I do have to remind myself… “GO PRAY”, because I’m often just trying to stay in one piece. S.O.S. prayers are harder for me… I guess because I’m already under stress and have little emotion or brain cells for doing something different.

snow1 — Face toward Heaven... Chloe can set a good example

We just had a beautiful snow here in Maryland. We received 3-4 inches and it was the lovely, huge, fluffy flakes. Chloe and our family dog, Tyco, love the snow. Tyco loves it because he’s an Elkhound… a winter breed. Chloe loves it because it makes everything smell better. Being a hound-mix, she has a better sniffer… than even Tyco. Her muzzle, nose and floppy jowls were all made to collect and intensify scent. She can even smell a scent on the air and may taste and savor it by licking at the air with deep breaths and puffs! When snow is on the ground, smells are intensified, and she LOVES IT. She would spend hours in the yard if I could endure the cold that long.

Today in the yard, the dogs raced around the yard to play. While Tyco went to make his rounds along the perimeter of our fence, Chloe trotted around the yard, nose to the ground, sniffing and tracking all the wildlife scents left from critters in our yard from the early morning hours. She would trace many all the way to the fence and stop when she realized “it had gone over”. She would quickly pick up another scent, and race after it even if it sent her in circles, up and over tree stumps, or scrambling through the wintry bushes. Chloe was getting herself worked up over one scent trail, and I suspect it may have been something “bigger than normal” by the way she was snuffling, whining, and tracking. Eventually, she stopped her frenzied tracking and stopped short with limbs trembling and deep sighs. With the last bit of snow melting away between her footpads, Chloe turned her nose towards Heaven and stood in perfect stillness for almost 5 minutes. The only thing I could see moving was her nostrils and her ribcage. She even closed her eyes and enjoyed the scent of the air… of winter…

It struck me how poignantly clear her example was to me as her human partner. After a disappointing “hunt”, she was still able to enjoy what she was good at… smelling the scents of the winter bouquet caught up in the chilly breeze around us. I realized that although our family has experienced something that will always “show” as a heart scar in our lives, I cannot forget that life is usually VERY GOOD. I had to take a minute and point my own nose towards Heaven to express “thanks” for life and the blessings I have.

Get on Livin’ it!

Don’t allow yourself to look at life’s stresses and tragedy as the “norm”. To easily we embrace what we feel is our “lot” or what we deserve. Bad things happen… and they happen to every person. Matthew 5:45: “For He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” Bad things happen to good people. (Bad things happen to bad people too, but they are usually more of a life consequence than a random occurrence!) Don’t anticipate that bad things are going to happen. Life is good.

Denise Portis

Nightmare Trip

Published on January 25, 2009January 30, 2009 by hearingelmo3 Comments

chloe-home-from-libery

Trip home: Chloe kept making sure Mom was ok…

Kyersten Portis often writes for Hearing Elmo. She has only known “Mom” (Denise) as a late-deafened adult. Hearing loss affects the entire family unit, and my disability has made it possible that all members of my family are incredibly “ABLE”.

The scene was already something from a horror movie. It was late at night on HWY 501, and we didn’t know where we were going. The road was out in the middle of nowhere. The mountains loomed around us and the road showed little sign of life apart from a few abandoned looking buildings. Off in the darkness one could see the dark emptiness of a valley. The road was winding, narrow, and the top speed limit was 20 mph in most places. Your mind could conjure up pictures of Ax Murderers wandering along the road to murder and terrify… and umm – AX people.

We didn’t run into any Ax Murderers. Still, it was quite a scary trip.

We were traveling to visit a college I’m interested in transferring too in Virginia. It was up in the mountains. As the road became increasingly curvy, Mom became increasingly car sick.

“Why are we here? I have a balance disorder! I feel sick! I hate you, Terry,” she moaned from the backseat where she sat with Chloe. Dad at first defended himself, but then meekly apologized as she continued to pipe up at rather random moments that she “hated him”. (He said later she said the same thing when she was giving birth to me, so he figured she was just in pain and didn’t mean it).

Poor Mom. I offered to switch seats with her as I was in the front, but she refused. She finally started crying. After a couple of minutes, her crying stopped. I was relieved and glad she was feeling braver. I glanced into the backseat…

“Oh my gosh! She passed out!” I gasped. Dad flinched but kept driving. What could we do? We couldn’t stop, no civilization was in sight. (Besides, the Ax Murderers are out there!) Mom came back to consciousness finally.

She moaned, and asked if we were there yet (to which we lied and said, “almost”). She asked Dad to turn out the headlights. When he said he couldn’t, she told him she hated him, and asked for me to help her find her cochlear implant (which was actually attached to her head) and passed out again. This time she hit the window. I yelped for Dad to pull over. I crawled to the back to where she was at poked her gently. Chloe came up to bark at shadows (perhaps Ax Murderers) and it seemed to bring Mom back to consciousness. She asked why Chloe was barking and then basically repeated what she had said the first time she passed out. So… I sat in the back and held Mom up as she passed out another few times. I tell you what… there is nothing quite as scary as seeing your mom pass in and out of consciousness. I held my hand up to feel her breathing in and out, worried about how still she was.

We finally made it to our hotel. And Mom? Mom didn’t recall any of the events and felt bad about telling her husband she hated him a 100 times.

I was definitely thanking God she was okay and amused more than anything. She felt dizzy the rest of the night. I listened worriedly at the bathroom door when she took a shower, waiting for a “thunk” if she passed out. But she seemed to sleep it off and felt better the next day and was good on the way home.(We took a different route, and it was DAYLIGHT!)

Actually, the whole car trip could be seen as “life with someone with a disability“. As life became twisted and dark, Mom felt isolated from the world. But even in her isolation, her family was there. She was isolated from civilization, but we were there in the space (aka, car) with her. She may not have wanted to accept our help, but we were there for her. We held her up, encouraged her, and traveled to the end of the road with her. With God’s help, we brought her out of the depression and darkness and into contentment. Dad didn’t let her push him away, even when she said she hated him. He tried to fix it and carry her to safety. Chloe, didn’t know was going on honestly, but barked at the shadows that crept upon Mom. She stood over her in the dark, worried and trying to help. Many times Chloe helps chase away any gloom that Mom feels just because of her unconditional doggie love. I helped support her, and Chris prayed from home after getting a hysterical text from ME. Mom endured. And we arrived at the end of the road, to peace. We knew there would be other trips and roads, but we enjoyed the oasis of peace and look forward with the knowledge we’ll be okay. God is always there with us. And we always have each other =)

Kyersten Portis

(10 days shy of 19-years-old)

Denise Portis

“Take a Deep Breath… and Trust Your Dog”

Published on November 15, 2008November 15, 2008 by hearingelmo4 Comments

Thursday was a particularly nasty, rainy day, and I dreaded “the walk down the stairs” more than usual. Funny thing about Meniere’s disease – rain and other types of weather systems can really make a difference in how steady I walk. I finally remembered my camera too, and I can’t tell you how many tries it took me to STAND AT THE TOP OF THESE STAIRS, on a RAINY DAY and TAKE A PICTURE! Grin!

The school I teach at is on the campus of a beautiful Nazarene church. It’s a “new campus” for us this year. I remember at the first teacher’s meeting hearing everyone laugh and remark on “Moses and the Red Sea” on the stairs. Me? I’m thinkin’, “You can look at a MURAL while going down the STAIRS?”

When I arrived at school on Thursday, I stuck my head in the door of the director’s office to grab some paper for the copier. She grimaced slightly and said, “Oh boy, is this rain affecting you today?” Actually, I made light of it and explained to her that really… this is just sort of a new kind of “normal” for me. I don’t really get up in the morning and think, “wow I’m really wobbly today”. This is my “normal”!

Meniere’s disease symptoms that fluctuate with weather systems, also usually produce worsened tinnitus. Meniere’s disease folks always have a hearing loss, but when tinnitus really kicks into “high gear”, those who are simply “hard of hearing” often hear very little when the tinnitus is in a full-out ROAR. I’m actually very blessed, because I hear through the miracle of a cochlear implant. My cochlear implant masks tinnitus, and so even on days my vertigo is worse, I hear just fine!

I showed my husband this picture of “the dreaded staircase”, and we laughed about how some of my “fears” have certainly morphed through the years. When we first got married 22 years ago, I had a very irrational fear of spiders (even little ones). Now I fear staircases, but I argue it’s completely rational! Smile!

I have to tell you though, it’s a very powerful emotion that burns through me when I take that first step down this flight of stairs. On “good days” it takes me about 2 minutes. On “bad days” it takes me about 5 minutes. Chloe is very intuitive. I don’t think she walks outside and sees the rain and puts that together with … “oh my we are going to be taking the stairs slowly today”. However, on “bad days” she patiently takes me all the way to the bottom, even if I have to stop and wait for the stairwell to stop spinning. (I even had to sit rather suddenly once, and she just sat there next to me looking around as if this was perfectly acceptable to her!)

I’ll never forget when we were first matched, I spent a great deal of one-on-one time with my trainer. Admitting to her that I was scared of stairs, insured that we spent some time at a local mall at the foot of a very tall flight of stairs! I remember turning to her with Chloe in “heel”, admitting with a quivering smile, “I’m going to have to do this slow!”

My trainer is a runner. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “Denise, this isn’t a sprint. If you need to take it slow, then take it slow.” So I did… and on that staircase came the realization that I really could trust my dog. If I were going slow, she would too. My trainer had me take the stairs at the mall, in the closed stairwell at the training center, and in her home. She never helped me look for a way around those stairs. Because of her, I go down stairs. I take a deep breath… and I go… down… the stairs. Why?

Because I can.

Chloe? Well she’s not real happy when the rain interferes with her “W – A – L – K ” at lunch hour. The van is boring.

Denise Portis

“Cane” Shopping

Published on October 24, 2008 by hearingelmo3 Comments

I’ve been a little depressed the past week or so. I took a pretty bad fall a “rainy weekend” ago, and had to follow-up with my doctor to make sure I hadn’t broken a leg, arm or rib. I was covered in bruises for a couple of weeks. I mentioned to my husband, that I noticed that if I use my umbrella on the right side (with Chloe in heel on the left), then I do much better on rainy days.

Falling doesn’t make me depressed. Bruises don’t make me depressed. Mentioning “it may be time for me to get a cane for rainy days”, and darling hubby jumping all over it? That made me depressed. I said it half in jest, but he was completely serious.

I’ve been falling all my life. I was one of those “accident prone” kids. I even remember one time in college, my RA told me, “Denise, you fall and run into stuff more than anyone I know!” What is interesting to note, is that I didn’t have a significant hearing loss in college. I only had a moderate unilateral loss due to a pedestrian vs. vehicle accident at the age of six. (The car won)

I didn’t begin losing my hearing (sensorineural hearing loss) until I had a couple of babies at the age of twenty-five. The hearing loss continued in both my ears for over a decade before I did anything about it. All the while, I continued to “fall and run into stuff” a great deal. It’s never been strange for me to be sporting bruises. (The “ATTIC STORY” has become rather infamous!)

Somewhere along the way I developed a mild form of Meniere’s disease. Without my cochlear implant and/or hearing aid, I have constant tinnitus. But it is “manageable”, and I’m quite accustomed to the constant ringing when I’m not utilizing technology and bionics to hear. I sleep very soundly “in spite of”. Along with the tinnitus, however, I began to have vertigo and other balance problems. It is worse when it’s a rainy day, so I know the weather affects it. There is very little one can do for Meniere’s. I cut down on salt, take Manganese tablets, and try to get a lot of rest.

Regardless, on rainy days I have to move carefully and methodically. Chloe acts as a great counter-balance on stairs, ramps, inclines, slopes, etc. However ceiling fans, fast moving bodies (like students running), or loud noises make the dizziness worse. I face a flight of stairs “round trip, each school day. I would think the stairwell is about 8 feet wide, but it is DEEP and STEEP. Just standing at the top of the stairs and preparing to descend, the whole stairwell starts to spin, and I lose a great deal of my peripheral vision due to the vertigo. It can be terrifying, but I’m confident for the most part and Chloe certainly adds stability. On rainy days, however, you can multiply that terror times TEN.

If I happened to fall down THOSE stairs, there is no doubt I would break something. It’s not that I’ve never broken a bone before! My word, I’ve broken a femur, toes, fingers, my sternum, and cracked multiple bones as well. But I’m rather terrified of that stairwell. Perhaps it’s because I’m afraid I’ll hurt Chloe. Perhaps it’s because I know how it would completely freak out the director of my school! (grin)

To humor hubby, I’ve done a little “cane shopping” online. At least some of them are pretty.

But darn… I’m depressed! I find myself asking, “Has it come to this?”

But you know what? I can’t sit around feeling sorry for myself very long. I was taught to “belly-ache if you must”, but then recall how blessed you are! And truly… I am very blessed. With my cochlear implant I hear better than I had ever hoped to “this side of Heaven”. I have a wonderful and supportive family, and a super assistance dog who loves to work. The blessings FAR outweigh my little problems with balance.

I have learned to poke fun at myself when needed, and it has certainly made others more comfortable around my implant, assistance dog, and even dizziness. But I really hate falling…

For now I’m “in shopping mode”. At least they aren’t very expensive! At least I’d only need one when the weather is bad. At least some are pretty! I could add a whole list of “at leasts”! I suppose that’s a form of counting your blessings.

For now, I’ll just “window/monitor” shop. At least… until hubby brings it up again.

Denise Portis