Tag: assistance dogs

Crappy Life Lessons

Published on by hearingelmo6 Comments

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I’ve had to force myself to log onto “Hearing Elmo” and write SOMETHING.

Anything!

I don’t like for too much time to go by and not be writing. Writing, blogging, and “talking to you” is important to me. I learn from you. I hope we learn from each other.

Misinterpreting

Saturday, October 1st, on her twelfth birthday, we said goodbye to Chloe, my first assistance dog. She retired in May of 2015. Chloe was diagnosed with Transitional Cell Carcinoma in August of this year.

I’ve started this post 8 times (and yes, I counted). The first couple of drafts were angry and mean. One draft was scary. Others were tearful and frankly? Were so full of random thoughts and words, the grammar itself forbade me from hitting “publish“.

Shame and Blame

lane-graves

On June 14, 2016, little Lane was killed by an alligator at Walt Disney World resorts. Like many who read his story, my first thought was, “Where the heck were his parents, and how in the world does something like this happen?”

Erin S., a friend of mine, fairly quickly put me in my place–and rightly so. Why do we immediately judge what we do not know?

  1. We are shocked by something.
  2. We are heart broken.
  3. We look for someone to blame.
  4. … as if that makes it better.

We cannot ever know the “whole story”. We simply are not privy to that. There is a backstory to every tragedy and every loss. Little Lane was killed as the result of an tragic (freak) accident and he cannot be placed back into the arms of those who loved him. Why do we search for who is to blame? Sometimes, folks?

Sometimes life just sucks.

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Facebook is a wonderful place; especially for the differently-ABLED community. It is a place where technology levels the communication playing field. I have re-connected and strengthened friendships. I have “met” people in this venue I may never meet face-to-face. Last week, however, I “unfriended” and “blocked” 34 people I didn’t really know. Getting one to two messages a week, led me to believe they were simply out to get a “rise”. Many posted publicly and I exercised my right to DELETE. Haters gonna hate.

I created a public page for Chloe’s last chapter to raise awareness about an organization I love, Fidos For Freedom, Inc. I wanted to share what being a puppy raiser, sponsor, and trainer for service dogs was like. I wanted to share information about the valuable resource (even MINISTRY) of therapy dogs. I wanted to share how one dog changed my life and brought me back into the world of the living after a self-imposed isolation.

When bad things happen, we tend to look for answers or worse-someone to blame. After only reading the public “cliff notes” of Chloe’s life, I was lambasted by people for making the wrong decision.

  1. You should get a third opinion. You could treat this and prolong her life an entire year!
  2. How could you let her live the last month of her life this way?
  3. OMG. It’s just a dog. Surely you have something better to do.

Now these are folks I don’t know and you are open to these kinds of messages when you go “public” with anything. I don’t mind blocking folks who just look for ways to get people riled. I fully trust that those who know me and know my husband Terry, trusted US to make the best and most humane decision for a furry family member. (More than that… a retired partner).

politics

Ah. It’s an election year. It’s getting nasty out there in FaceBook land, isn’t it? Yet those I actually do know, I allow to post whatever they want on FaceBook. I may not click “like”. We may agree. We may disagree. More than anything though I hope we are the kind of “real” friends to agree to disagree… and love each other anyway.

I love Culture of Empathy’s website. I don’t agree with everything they post, but their message is powerful. Empathy is defined as, “identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives”. Empathy does not mean you may fully agree with them.

Y’all?

We can love one another and show kindness and compassion without having to acknowledge that an important connection and relationship is the equivalent of being identical twins. I love my husband and best friend, Terry, but the man is an idiot sometimes (albeit a sweet one). I do not agree with everything he says, believes, or “votes”. Yet, I respect everything he says, believes and votes and fully support him because I love him and he is my friend.

The Bible does not actually use the word “empathy” anywhere, yet it is inferred. It does use the word compassion numerous times. Compassion can be defined as “a feeling of deep sympathy or sorrow for another who is stricken with misfortune, accompanied by the strong desire to alleviate the suffering.” Especially when someone is faced with a critical decision or experiencing heart ache, can I not support them with compassion? How does judgement, argumentative jabs, and insistence they agree with ME, help? It doesn’t. It only shows I lack compassion and kindness.

helen-keller

I’m not perfect. But…

I want to be perfectly committed to being kind, being loving, and making a difference. I may not always agree with you, but if we have the kind of relationship that we can talk about disagreements with respect and kindness, and walk away still close friends? I count myself BLESSED.

Crappy Life Lessons

So a crappy life lesson? Sometimes when grieving and in pain, people are gonna kick you when you are down. Sometimes when important decisions need to be made, folks are going to call into question my own character for an informed and personal choice. I’m gonna love you anyway.

For you see? Love isn’t love if it changes on a whim and because someone disagrees with you. I believe the world would be a better place if our first thought when getting up in the morning was,

“How can I make a difference today? How can I show kindness?” 

Hold me accountable.

Denise Portis

© 2016 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Where the People Aren’t

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"I Wanna Be Where the People Aren't"
“I Wanna Be Where the People Aren’t”

I recently saw the above picture on FaceBook, and since I love “The Little Mermaid”, (and because I know cats can be SO “offended”), I found this VERY funny.

As an Introvert, I often want to be where the people AREN’T. I, and most Introverts, love people. However, folks misunderstand what an introvert, and extrovert are.

Heck.

There is even a newly labeled “blend” for those who exhibit both introvert and extrovert tendencies (lest others think we have multiple personalities, or Dissociative Disorder). Evidently an Ambivert, is one who has both characteristics, often in dependence on their role in that specific environment.

The difference between an Introvert and Extrovert, however, is simply how a person prefers to RECHARGE. It has nothing to do with whether or not they like people. Extroverts recharge by being around others. Introverts recharge by being alone.

All this thinking about “versions” had me contemplating how each dimension is effected by acquiring a disability. As a person who is differently-abled, my mind just “goes there” automatically when I think about personality characteristics. Who copes “better” with acquired disability? An Introvert or Extrovert (or Ambivert)?

“Version” affect

Interestingly, research shows that people who are extroverted are more likely to acquire a disability that limits mobility or results in chronic pain (Malec, 1985). Evidently extroversion can be equated with higher risk behavior and decisions that may result in injuries associated with motor loss/coordination or chronic pain. Introverts, too, are diagnosed with acquired disability, but often with diagnoses that are “non-traumatic” (Malec, 1985). This doesn’t mean Introverts are not involved in motor-vehicle accidents, or risky behavior that results in injury. The research simply shows that extroverts are more likely to choose activities that could result in these types of disability. Frustrated in my search for information regarding “version” types and acquired disabilities more like my own — those that are the result of genetics and/or “unspecified contributors” for deafness and Meniere’s disease, I continued searching the research databases.

I came across an interesting study by Noonan et al., (2004), called, “A Qualitative Study of the Career Development of Highly Achieving Women with Physical and Sensory Disabilities”.

BINGO.

I figured I hit the jackpot with this search and find! What I discovered, however, has nothing to do with a connection between “version” types and successful coping with acquired disability. According to Noonan et al., (2004), successful coping includes  “developmental opportunities (education, peer influences), family influences (background and current), disability impact (ableism, stress and coping, health issues), social support (disabled and nondisabled communities, role models and mentors), career attitudes and behaviors (work attitudes, success strategies, leadership/pioneering), and sociopolitical context (social movements, advocacy)” (p. 68). The difference between those who successfully cope and are extroverted and those who successfully cope and are introverted, centers around social support. An extrovert is more likely to identify and ask for help from any peers or individuals within their environment and in so doing actively engage in demonstrative advocacy. Introverts are more choosy about who they enlist support from, but are often “background” advocates. This is supported by research from Ellis (2003) in findings that include the difference in how extroverts and introverts enlist support, openly or privately – respectively.

“Version” Types and Assistive Technology

Having lived with special challenges for more than 31 years, I have had the (privileged) opportunity to meet hundreds of individuals who are differently-abled. Networking through organizations such as Fidos For Freedom, Inc., Assistance Dogs International (ADI), the Hearing Loss Association of America (HLAA), the American Association of People with Disabilities (AAPD), and numerous other organizations, I have met both extroverts and introverts who cope well — and some not so well — with acquired disability.

Some discouraging research does suggest that extroverts are more likely to use assistive technology and devices (Johnson, 1999).

This sucks.

I struggled for so many years with invisible disabilities and challenges, that my “epiphany” moment of changing that… making the invisible very visible, still gives me psychological goosebumps. My introverted life changed when I determined that I would embrace technology and assistive devices. I use bright canes, an assistance dog, bling up my cochlear implant and have informative brochures with me wherever I go. You’ll notice I didn’t say my introverted self became extroverted. I’m aware of and fully accept who I am – an introvert. Yet, using assistive technology and devices (and canine) has dramatically improved mitigating my own disabilities. Extroverts are more likely to seek “tools” early on in a diagnosis that incorporates an acquired disability (Wressle, Samuelsson, 2004; Kintsch & DePaula, 2015). Once introverts determine that the benefit of using assistive technology and devices improves quality of life, they, too, are able to embrace tools that improve life with the downside of making them (perhaps) more noticeable.

In closing, can I just say, “I LOVE PEOPLE”? We are different yet, are alike. We react to things differently and yet similarly. We all love dogs. 

Cuz… well, that just makes sense.

Denise Portis

© 2015 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Ellis, A. E. (2003). Personality Type and Participation in Networked Learning Environments. Educational Media International, 40(1/2), 101.

Johnson, D. (1999). Why is assistive technology underused? Library Hi Tech News, (163), 15-17. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/201534320?accountid=14872

Kintsch, A., & DePaula, R. (2015). A framework for the adoption of assistive technology. Retrieved on November 24, 2015, from http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.124.3726&rep=rep1&type=pdf

Malec, J. (1985). Personality factors associated with severe traumatic disability. Rehabilitation Psychology, 30(3), 165-172. doi:10.1037/h0091027

Noonan, B. M., Gallor, S. M., Hensler-McGinnis, N. F., Fassinger, R. E., Wang, S., & Goodman, J. (2004). Challenge and Success: A Qualitative Study of the Career Development of Highly Achieving Women With Physical and Sensory Disabilities. Journal Of Counseling Psychology, 51(1), 68-80. doi:10.1037/0022-0167.51.1.68

Wressle, E., & Samuelsson, K. (2004). User satisfaction with mobility assistive devices. Scandinavian Journal Of Occupational Therapy, 11(3), 143-150 8p.

Change and Control

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change for the better

I’m not a big fan of change. So when faced with a year that is sure to be chock-full of change, I can feel a little overwhelmed. Ok. That’s actually not true.

I can feel freaking terrified, sick to my stomach, near panic attack, bite my nails to the quick, SOMEONE LET ME OFF THIS MERRY-GO-ROUND called life screaming, “abandon ship! abandon ship!”

I’m not even a spontaneous person. My family knows not to ever throw me a “surprise” party. To me ordinary is extraordinary. I just hate change. For me, it’s all about control. That’s right. I’m a bit of a control freak. There is an upside to being a control freak. I am very organized. I’m punctual and responsible. There are, however, all kinds of negative things that come from being a control freak and refusing to accept change too.

I had fairly significant OCD tendencies throughout my childhood and into my early 20’s. As a teen, I developed bulimia nervosa after facing my first big change moving away from home to go to college. Emotionally, I drove some people bananas with my need to control and drove some people AWAY as a young adult.

If you believe everything happens for a REASON and that there is a life lesson to be learned in everything that occurs, one could hypothesize that my developing acquired disabilities was the best (worst) thing to ever happen to me! My hearing loss began at the age of 25 and was a progressive loss. I wasn’t completely deaf until the age of 32 so I had a long time to adjust and cope. Meniere’s disease was diagnosed at the age of 35, though I suspect I had it from my early 20’s. It, too, became progressively worse over time; in part, because of multiple mild concussions. My health issues forced me to change. To remain independent (something I discovered was extremely important to me), I found that I had to work hard at adapting. I had to embrace change instead of shy away from it or pretend it wasn’t happening.

Living with acquired disabilities means something CHANGED. You have to adjust. You have to make choices about how you will cope and how you will treat the diagnosis or disorder. You have to determine how you enlist others to assist – if at all. What adaptive equipment or technologies are available to mitigate the disability? How are you going to mentally and emotionally adjust? (For acquired disability or illness never occurs without having an impact in other areas of WHO you are…)

At the age of 48, I have lived more of my life adjusting to my new limitations than I did to living in a relatively “worry free” life. Here are some things about change that I have learned.

1. Take notice of changes.

This means you have to really get to know yourself. Habitually take your own “pulse” and see how you are doing. Make note of the readings on your “tension thermometer”. How are you sleeping? How are your relationships?

You don’t want change to take you by surprise. One must deliberately brace and expect changes. Be on the look out. Identify health (or mental health) changes.

2. Accept change with a positive attitude.

You cannot stop change, nor control it, but you can change how you react to change. We’ve all see the serenity prayer before. For those of us with acquired disability or illness, however, following these words of wisdom can be very freeing.

God … grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

3. Learn to relax. 

Even up-tight control freaks can learn to relax. One of the most important things I learned in vestibular rehab was how to relax when falling. We naturally stiffen up and become tense when we are “on our way down”. I learned to relax my leg muscles so that I immediately dropped to my caboose instead of falling like a tree cut off at the base.

I have also learned to take “me time” every single day and refuse to feel guilty for taking the time to do so. It may be something as simple as looking through a friend’s collection of photographs. It may mean some personal journal time. I might choose to read a good book – that has nothing to do with psychology or my dissertation. I may burn my favorite candle while cuddling with my assistance dog on the floor in the dark.

4. Ask for help.

It took me so long to learn that it didn’t make me weak to ask for help. I chose to be partnered with an assistance dog so that I didn’t have to ask for as MUCH help from other people. In spite of this life-changing decision, I still occasionally have to ask for help. When I do, I don’t apologize first.

“I’m sorry to have to ask you this, but could you help me? I’m so sorry. I hate asking for help, but do need your assistance. I’m sorry I’m bothering you!”

Please don’t ask for help like this. It’s rather pathetic, isn’t it? Yet, we tend to react to even THINKING about help as if asking is something to apologize for when doing the asking. Honestly, most people are glad to help.

If you really have problems asking for assistance, at least learn to ask others “how can I do this task independently?” Brain storm with OTHERS what you can do to remain independent. I have run completely out of ideas about how to do something safely, only to discover through someone ELSE a “brilliant” work-around.

5. You are changing, but you are still You.

Frankly, all of us change as we grow older. The changes may occur physically, emotionally, or mentally. Yes, change may seem more difficult when it occurs as the result of acquired disability or chronic illness, but ya know something? You are actually stronger for it. You had to adjust and perhaps been forced to make changes. The core of who you are does not change. We tend to fear that being “disabled” becomes our new identity. No one signs up for that, and it is never chosen. So when it happens… know that who you are hasn’t changed. If anything you become a better version of you.

One of my favorite quotes about change was written by John Eliot. “As soon as anyone starts telling you to be “realistic,” cross that person off your invitation list.” We can’t avoid negative people. They will cross our path. They will see our being differently-abled as license to give-up and quit. They’ll tell us to be realistic and stop aspiring for “more”. You may not be able to avoid these morons people, but you don’t have to hang out with them on purpose.

So I gear up for a big year of changes for me. I’ll be finishing up my coursework in school, retiring my assistance dog, and face some possible surgery. Those all seem so darn negative, but there’s always two sides to every “coin”. My dissertation awaits – and geesh, but do I love to write or don’t I? I’m retiring Chloe, but I have my close-knit Fidos For Freedom family and friends supporting me with a successor dog eventually entering my life. I hate surgery, but really look forward to getting to the bottom of some of the neurological issues I’ve been having. I can identify and sense these impending changes with a weird sort of relief. I have discovered that change can be good. Relinquishing control can be freeing.

Denise Portis

© 2015 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

As You Wish…

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blog as you wish

I’m a HUGE “Princess Bride” fan. Perhaps I’m even classified as being an “annoying Princess Bride fan“. I know so many of the lines by heart and they tend to slip out in both opportune and inopportune moments. If you’ve never seen the movie – for shame. Seriously, it is one of those ridiculous movies that everyone needs to see at least once. You will be talking about it for the rest of your life. I promise.

One of the best known (and faithfully repeated) lines of the movie is that of our hero, Westley. He says, “As you wish…” to his beloved, Buttercup, (hey… I can’t make this up) to genteelly and sweetly acquiescence to her every request. Yup. This makes him a bit of a sap. But he does become the “Dread Pirate Roberts” later and reveals to Buttercup, that he is still her “Westley” in this dramatic (and hysterical scene):

In the end, we learn that “trewww lub” (true love) is worth fighting for and that we should be careful about agreeing for the sake of keeping the peace. Well… at least that is ONE “moral of the story” I got out of this favorite! 🙂

When People with Disabilities Keep the Peace

We’ve all heard how important it is to have the right attitude when you are advocating for your own rights or needs, or on behalf of another. “You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar“.

Trust me.

I know how hard this can be at times. Having had it drilled into my head, I am fully aware that how the public interacts with ME, may influence how they interact with another who has hearing loss, balance disorders, or a service dog in the future. That “burden” keeps my mouth shut when I strive to bite my tongue. But ya know something?

Sometimes when my attitude says, “As you wish…“, I’m really only hurting myself AND others.

About a month ago, I was walking with a colleague to a meeting in another building. We had to walk through the Student Union bldg., and then go to the second floor. We were talking as we walked. My colleague turned to go up a 20-step flight of stairs… still talking.

I hesitated and said, “the elevator is up the hallway…” and my friend interrupted and said, “Come on! We need the exercise!” She continued up the stairs and was still talking.

I put Chloe is a close heel, looped my cane over my wrist, grabbed the handrail and took one careful step at a time, all the while with a death grip on Chloe’s handle attached to her vest. By silently agreeing, I practically shouted, “As you wish…”

I can’t talk and climb stairs, so I quietly made my way up the stairs one careful step at a time. When I got to the top of the stairs, I exhaled heavily (for it seems I was holding my breath), and looked up with a triumphant grin. My smile immediately faded because my friend stood there with big tears in her eyes. My brain started processing sound again (for it had been wholly fixed on arriving ALIVE at the top of the stairs), and I belatedly picked up some of her words…

“For heaven’s sake, why didn’t you remind me you can’t do stairs? All you had to do was remind me!”

I was struck dumb (silent – not mentally – grin) for a second and said, “Well I was just keeping the peace!”

She said, “You keep the peace by reminding me what your needs are. That’s not keeping the peace, that’s being a martyr. Just tell me!”

I apologized (profusely).

We can remind people what we can, and cannot do safely without sounding as if we are complaining. We need to learn to be pro-active in a positive, upbeat way. Don’t apologize for who you are or for what your needs are. However, be careful not to agree to something foolhardy like climbing a set of stairs when there is an elevator right up the hallway. My attitude of “As you wish…” could have set the scene for a disaster that day. Thankfully, it did not.

“Shove it up your… “

There are times when people with disabilities need to actually be a little more firm when they are educating or advocating. I don’t always do this well. I try to even interrupt my rising temper by reminding myself that I represent “Fidos For Freedom, Inc.“, and “Anne Arundel County’s Commission on Disabilities“. I chant in my head, “Bite your tongue, bite your tongue”. It doesn’t always work. The phrase, “shove it up your… NOSE” (scared ya a minute, didn’t I – wink), reverberates in my head.

Monday, I stopped at the U.S. Post Office to purchase some stamps for Christmas cards. (Yes, I’m aware I’m late to this “party”). I saw a man leaning against the building, smoking. I sort of register this in order to use the door farthest from him because I cannot stand the smell of cigarette smoke. As I exited my car, I reached in and got my cane, closed the door… opened the back door to unload Chloe, adjusted her vest and leash, closed HER door and then turned to walk into the building.

It seems we had an audience.

The man leaning against the building said, “What a beautiful guide dog! My mother is almost blind now. Where did you get your dog?”

I was so startled I stutter-stepped and screeched to a stop. I know my mouth was hanging open. I looked over my shoulder at my car. I pointedly looked at the car keys in my hands. I looked at Chloe and her visible vest that said “Service Dog” with tags that said, “Hearing Dog. Do not Distract”.

Then I made a mistake. I blurted. Nothing ever goes well when I blurt.

“Is that nicotine or weed you are smoking?”

His eyes got big. He stomped out his cigarette and stomped into the building. Then this little convo/prayer went through my head:

“Ok God. I blew that. If I find that man in the building please give me the opportunity to apologize and make that right. But… please don’t let me find him because I swear he’s stupid and higher than a kite!”

Yeah. It seems I can’t pray with the right attitude right after a ridiculous encounter either.

But ya know something? There ARE times when it is ok to put someone in their place. Especially if someone repeatedly makes the same comment or observation about you or people with disabilities. You can be firm and be kind.

I didn’t tell the “smoker”, “As you wish…” with an attitude that what he said made perfect sense. However, I could have reminded him that a person with vision loss would not have just pulled into the parking lot and got out of the vehicle. I could have educated him quickly and politely that there are numerous types of service dogs and canes. Instead, I was a smart aleck. Justified? Perhaps. However, in the end, I didn’t promote any “cause” or advocate in a positive way.

So Where is the HAPPY MEDIUM?

If you have lived with invisible illness or disability long enough, you DO eventually learn how to balance all of this. You learn how to remind those who have known you long enough that they may have forgotten some of your limitations. You speak up for yourself. You also learn when to firmly, but kindly, put someone in their place. There is a time for that as well.

You are going to make mistakes. Your attitude will scream, “As you wish…” at times when you simply need to say, “I can’t and won’t attempt that“. You are also going to learn to not label someone a pothead, and instead take 60 seconds to educated them in a positive way. It’s a balance we all eventually learn.

If you haven’t seen, “Princess Bride” – you are missing a treat. 🙂 I hope all of us who are differently-abled, learn to balance how to advocate and educate others.

Denise Portis

© 2014 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

A Pocketknife to Clean Your Nails

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pocketknife

ABOVE… My dad in 2011 when he visited Gettysburg with us.

Do you know every time I retrieve a nail file to smooth, clean, or file my nails I think of my dad? Isn’t it funny the kinds of things that will recall a memory for us? Not the kind of recall that triggers our sympathetic nervous system and launches a flashback in folks who suffer from PTSD. Instead, the kind of recall that knocks on the door of our heart with a “feel good” memory. The memory replays a specific conversation or event. For me, when I use a nail file I vividly recall how my dad would clean his nails with a pocketknife.

I couldn’t have been more than 7 or 8-years-old, for we had not yet returned to the family farm. My dad still worked for International Harvester at the time. One day I sat watching him clean his nails with a pocketknife.

“Why do you use your knife to clean your nails?”

Dad continued to clean his nails and thought about his reply. The man never just “spoke off the cuff”. He responded after a bit, “It does the job”.

“Well, will you clean MY nails?”

With less thought he replied, “I can’t. I can’t tell where your nail stops and your finger starts”. He scooted closer to allow me to see from a different angle how he was using his knife to clean up under the nail. I may have been young, but I immediately grasped why he couldn’t clean MY nails with this unconventional method.

Although I never could bring myself to clean my own nails with a pocketknife, I learned over the years that one can do things just as well by means of unconventional tools and methods. I would not have understood if someone had tried to tell me that I would eventually become deaf and develop Meniere’s disease – a balance disorder, and that by doing so I would have to adopt some new means to navigate my world safely.

Works For Me – But Maybe Not for you

I suppose one of my biggest pet peeves is when folks start dictating to someone who shares a diagnosis how they MUST go about treating that disease or disorder. Just because something works well for YOU, does not mean it will work well for someone else. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be willing to tell our story and share what works for us. Peer networks and support groups are invaluable in my opinion. However if I chose to use a nail file to clean my nails, and you choose a pocketknife, all that should be celebrated is that the end result yields positive benefits for us both. Clean nails are clean nails no matter how they got that way.

That doesn’t mean the process to clean nails is always easy. I have to sit to brush my teeth. That toothbrush swishing around in my head will make me pass out if I do not do so from a seated position. I never could sit on the lid of the commode to brush my TEETH. So I step into the bedroom and sit on the hope chest to brush my teeth. I have to be sure to keep my mouth closed so that there is no splatter. Ewww, right? This last week as I was sitting there brushing my teeth, it just hit me wrong. Here I was 47 years old and unable to brush my freakin’ teeth over a freakin’ sink like a normal – erm – FREAK! So…

I started crying.

My husband stepped into the bedroom. I can’t imagine what he saw. Here is the wife sitting and brushing her teeth, sobbing her eyeballs out, toothpaste now EVERYWHERE, including dribbling down her quivering chin. He calmly said, “You OK?”

Did I look OK? Alright, yuppers… I didn’t actually WANT his help. I just wanted to finish brushing my teeth. Those FREAKIN’ ones…

When a person with disability or chronic illness finds a way that works for THEM, it doesn’t mean it is easy. But this is why we are not disABLED. We are differently-abled. It is quite a cognitive and emotional boost to discover you can still enjoy something you did before – only in a new way. It may look strange, novel, or genius… but the reality is “it gets it done”. Yet what I find works for me, may not work for someone else with Meniere’s disease. I cannot safely clean their nails with my pocketknife.

Celebrate the Day

Gee, we live in a wonderful age of technology! When I think about the miracle in that I’m hearing again bionically, and all the cool tools available to me through simple apps on my iPhone, or special assistive technology, I get goosebumps! I live in a country where service dogs OTHER THAN guide dogs are fairly common. Email and texting – two communication devices I utilize frequently, are favored among the NORMAL hearing population. This makes my life so much easier!

Folks with mobility issues, learning challenges, hearing loss, chronic illness, and various disorders have options available here in the U.S. that we did not have 30 years ago – or even 10 years ago! Yet some of the things we learn to do are through our own ingenuity! I have quite literally patted myself on the back and mentally “high 5’d” myself when I discover a new way of doing things. To you being able to do the laundry without actually having to change the altitude of your head is not very impressive. But to me? This is a “WOO-HOO” discovery. But the proper lean formation, use of step-stool and service dog work for me. They may not work for you if you, too, have Meniere’s disease. But be willing to share ideas with each other without dictating proper protocol. The end goal is clean nails after all.

Denise Portis

©2013 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Obtuse on Purpose

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Chloe enjoys some downtime in between classes.
Chloe enjoys some downtime in between classes.

Sometimes, someone just rubs me wrong. I try to practice what I preach here at Hearing Elmo. I know that my interactions with another person can influence their opinion about – for example, all people who have a service dog, or all people who have a balance disorder. Yet sometimes… someone just rubs me wrong and I respond inappropriately.

In the early days, if someone made a comment about my service dog, cochlear implant, or wobbly gait, I’d put my hands on my hip and “give them what for”. It was pointed out to me by friends and family that I needed to work on that. It was hard for me not to have a knee-jerk reaction to what I viewed as rudeness.

Today, I do better. Yet sometimes… someone rubs me wrong. I had a day like that this week.

I went to the copy center to copy an exam I was getting ready to give to eager Introduction to Psychology students. *snort*  The copiers are jamming up and not wanting to “do staples” right now, so I brought my exam to the front desk and asked for assistance. As I waited for it to be printed, another professor came into the copy center.

“Oh what a beautiful dog! I just think it is terrific what you do. But I don’t know how you give them up, honestly!”

I was obtuse on purpose.

“Oh, I’m keeping her. I’m not going to give her up“, I replied.

L   O   N   G          P   A   U   S   E

“I’m sorry?” she asked, clearly confused.

“I’m not going to give her up. I’m keeping her”, I repeated.

L   O   N   G          P   A   U   S   E

“But… but don’t you have to give them back?” she asked.

“She’s my service dog. We’ve been together almost 6 years now”, I replied with saccharin sweetness.

L   O   N   G          P   A   U   S   E

“You mean a therapy dog?” she asked, still clearly confused.

“Oh no. She is an assistance dog. I really couldn’t do my job without her. She’s essential to my even being here”, I admitted.

L   O   N   G          P   A   U   S   E

“But… WHY do you need her?”, she asked as she leaned closer to finally read all the details on Chloe’s vest. Her eyes got big and she murmured… “Oh…”

Then she looked at me. She actually took a step to the side to look me up and down. I was incredulous! I shouldn’t have been surprised when she said, “You don’t look deaf or talk like you’re deaf”.

With a huge, sweet smile I exclaimed, “Well thank you!” (refusing to even go there). I inwardly chanted my motto… “EDUCATE ONE PERSON AT AT TIME”.

She continued to wait in line and watch me. Finally, my copies were done and I allowed Chloe to do “paws up” to say hello to one of her friends behind the desk. He patted her once and said, “Now you take care of your mom, Chloe! Don’t let her fall today!” Chloe wagged her tail and turned to see me out the door.

I noticed this other professor’s eyes get even bigger as she stared at us while I gathered my things to prepare to leave. I’m talking, openly staring, not even pretending to be sly about it. As I turned to push open the door, I turned, looked her in the eye, and said, “You know? You don’t look like a hearing person!”

I was obtuse on purpose. And perhaps – a little mean. I’m pretty confident, however, that in this one instance – it may have helped open her eyes at her own behavior. One can hope, right?

Invisible illness and disability are invisible. Duh, right? The very nature of what these disorders, illnesses, and disabilities are mean that at first glance, you cannot see them. It may not be until someone bends, or walks, or speaks, or sits that you notice what is really going on with them. Please respect them enough to not ask impertinent questions.

Making a Difference

At a Giant grocery store several weeks ago, I came in the door right behind another lady. She sat in the nearest motorized shopping cart and proceeded to pull out carefully. To keep Chloe’s paws and my clumsy feet out of her way, I stepped to the side for a moment and smiled while waiting for her to go by me. A woman turned from the produce section with a bag of lemons in her hand (appropriate – believe me) and said to this lady, “Oh wow, you should leave those for handicapped people. That is why they are there!”

The lady sat there a minute stunned. I felt like leaning over and whispering, “Gun it dearie. You are aimed right at her!”. Instead I put a hand on her shoulder (which made her jump) and said, “Some people don’t realize that some disabilities are invisible. Ignore her”.

Her eyes filled with tears and she seemed disconcerted by both this woman’s comment and my own intervention. To not bring any more attention to the situation, I patted her shoulder one more time and walked towards the vegetables.

Whether you have an invisible condition yourself, or know someone who does, you can EDUCATE ONE PERSON AT A TIME. Perhaps being obtuse on purpose is not the best way. However, you CAN find a way to make a difference! Look for opportunities to do so!

Denise Portis

© 2013 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

It’s Not Easy Being Green

Published on by hearingelmo5 Comments

I love Kermit. For the record, I loved Kermit before Miss Piggy loved Kermit. In the early 70’s, Kermit first poignantly croaked out that “it’s not easy being green”. Being green was something he could not help. It simply was.

This song has since been associated with people lamenting their own self-identity, yet coming to terms with “it being what it is”. By the end of the song, Kermit admits it’s OK to be green and that it is how he wants to be.

Am I OK Being This Way?

Something I have struggled with in acceptance of acquired disabilities is “the new me”. You see… I wasn’t born green. I can’t even say the transformation was similar to the beautiful miracle and mystery of a caterpillar changing into a butterfly.

And yet… it’s not like I asked to be late-deafened. It’s not like I asked to have a balance disorder like Meniere’s disease. But just like Kermit being green, it is what it is. There is no changing it.

So if this is me now, am I OK with it? Anyone with acquired disabilities ever struggle with that acquisition? If I asked for a show of hands, you’d first notice my own raised palm. I think you’d also notice a great number of hands. You aren’t alone.

Like many of you, I feel good about who I am much of the time. But I’d be lying if I said it’s always easy to be me. It’s not. So what to do?

Acceptance ≠ Resignation

I’ve never heard a person with acquired disability or chronic illness say, “This is easy”. It’s not. Yet do you know what I have discovered? I have this fuzzy, old memory of “life before disability” and IT STILL WASN’T EASY. My friends? Life is not easy. If you haven’t figured that out yet then you are still very young. Or, perhaps you are a frog.

I am discovering that acceptance of where I am (or even where I may end up), does not mean that I give up. Nor does it mean that I am resigned to an unhappy, unfulfilled life with no chance of ever giving back or having a purpose.

I get some “flack” with some of my readers about using the word “disability”. Rest assured, I welcome ALL opinions and discussion about the posts here at Hearing Elmo, as do the guest writers who participate. Some have suggested that using the term disability lowers one’s expectations and influences self-esteem. I understand the argument and point of view by those who believe this. I use the term because it is the terminology used by the ADA which ultimately protects my rights as a person with disability. It is about my freedom as a person who negotiates life a little differently. You may use disabled, differently-abled, special challenges, etc. In the end though it is green; though some may call it lime, olive, or chartreuse.

So today, August, 20, 2012, I am a person with disabilities. It’s not easy. But it isn’t impossible. Bottom line, because of who I am today, I compromise. I’m going to Hershey Park with a big group of couples from our church. I’m the self-designated pocket book holder. I won’t be riding any rides. I cannot. But I anticipate a day of fun and fellowship with other folks my age. I don’t choose not to go. For me, that would be giving up so it is not an option.

I don’t use the phone well, but I can use captioned phones, assistive technology, and my cochlear implant to make do. I use email a lot – and yes, FaceBook too. I walk like the world is in motion – especially on rainy days. Yes, yes, I know. The world IS in motion, but trust me! My earth’s rotation is faster than YOUR earth’s rotation. So I often walk with a cane. I have an assistance dog who counter-balances, and retrieves things I drop. I say, “Whoa!” a lot.

Don’t Pin a Super Hero Cape on Me!

Before you pin a super hero cape on me, please know that I don’t always have good days. I don’t always wake up and believe I can take on the world. I do not always look in the mirror and like what I see. There are times I worry about where I am in terms of what I can and cannot do. What is important, I believe, is what you do after having those very normal feelings. Worried? Totally normal. Depressed? This can be a very normal reaction. Pissed? Believe it not, being angry is a normal response to acquired disability. When you STAY worried, depressed, or pissed it becomes a problem. Don’t be afraid to talk to others. Perhaps you need to see a counselor. Maybe you need to do something just for YOU to work off some of that negative steam.

You will never hear me say it’s easy being green. It’s not. But acceptance of where we are allows us to then LIVE and even to give back – to be productive and have a life of purpose. Just like Kermit croaks, we may not be sparkly and flashy like others. Within each of us is the desire to discover and acknowledge that our being green – is OK. Perhaps even good.

I welcome your thoughts on this!

Denise Portis

© 2012 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

It’s Not Easy Being Green lyrics

It’s not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer
being red or yellow or gold
or something much more colorful like that.

It’s not that easy being green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things.
And people tend to pass you over
’cause you’re not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
or stars in the sky.

But green’s the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big
like an ocean
or important like a mountain
or tall like a tree.

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why?
Wonder, I am green and it’ll do fine
it’s beautiful!
And I think it’s what I want to be.

Unexpected Perk, or Bother?

Published on by hearingelmo4 Comments

Several of the emails I receive through Hearing Elmo each week are questions about assistance dogs. This week is actually “Assistance Dog Awareness Week“, so I wanted to take a few minutes to talk about life with an Assistance Dog.

The first thing I always tell people who have questions is that if you are not prepared for the fact that an assistance dog will draw attention to you, then PREPARE YOURSELF. More importantly? If you are not comfortable with the attention, then an assistance dog is not for you.

Because I have a hearing loss and because I don’t hear well in stores or crowded places, I am oblivious to all the comments my family members DO hear. “Look at the dog!” “Oh look, a working dog!” “Why is that dog in here?” “Mom, why does that lady have a dog in here and why is it wearing a saddle?”

Assistance dogs lend independence to those who chose to mitigate their disability or illness with these special canines. I never worry about missing a phone call. I can do laundry without assistance from a human family member. I no longer burn supper. I always know when someone is at the door. I can shop and go out in public and never worry about not being able to bend and pick something up – important as I constantly drop things.

Some things you may not know that are actually perks of having an assistance dog?

1. Pre-Chloe, a routine doctor’s visit would result in the 3rd degree about why I always have so many bruises. It can be tiresome to field questions about whether or not I’m in an abusive relationship, when I simply fall or run into things a great deal because of Meniere’s disease. Now, Chloe lends legitimacy to those bruises. She reminds doctors why I have bruises because folks don’t go to the doctor with a dog partner if they didn’t need the assistance.

2. I’m rarely bumped into or shoved out of the way now in public. When you don’t hear well in these venues, impatient shoppers who don’t give a “fig” about why you are standing looking at dancing electronic flowers in the garden department, assume I’m being stubborn about moving to let them by. Now they see Chloe and if she doesn’t notice them and cue me, they carefully maneuver around me.

3. I never receive comments like “It’s a little early to be drinking isn’t it?” or “You should be ashamed of yourself” when I’m seen weaving a bit on rainy weather days (comments that have really been made). In the past, if I slammed into an end cap in a store, those around me assumed I was high or drunk. Now people see Chloe and think OR SAY, “Gee, it’s great she has that dog to help her”.

4. I’ve grabbed onto a fellow client’s scooter before (sorry, John) when I almost fell down. He understood. However, when what you grab is a nearby shopping cart, others aren’t as understanding. I once had a grandmotherly person stick her finger in my face and sternly say, “Let… GO”. I mumbled an apology and went my way. Now that I have Chloe, the most anyone will say in a “near swoon” moment is “Are you OK?”

Assistance dogs help people with hearing loss, mobility issues, seizure alert, PTSD, diabetes/blood sugar alerts, vision loss, balance problems, fine motor skill difficulties, and much more. I hope the next time you see someone with an assistance dog in public that you maybe take a minute and tell them that you think their independence with their canine is a great testament to courageous people. Don’t pet the dog or distract it though (grin).

Denise Portis

© 2012 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

Attracting More Flies

Published on by hearingelmo1 Comment
Photo by Deborah Marcus, February 22, 2012, North Carolina

I just purchased a book through Amazon, Benjamin Franklin’s “Poor Richard’s Almanack”. I’ve always enjoyed books like these and have seen a number of quotes from this book over the years.

One American proverb from this book that many people have heard has to do with honey.

and vinegar.

and flies.

 Benjamin Franklin, “Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar” (Franklin, 1980).

When I first heard this quote I remember thinking, “Well who in the heck wants to attract FLIES”? Having grown up on a farm in SE Colorado, I can tell you that flies were a problem. The animals hated them, farmers hated them, and children relegated to policing the house with fly swatter and tissue in hand hated them!

However, like many quotes, you have to look past the surface to get at the true meaning. Gee, had I known vinegar would have kept them away I may have started sprinkling it around and dabbing it behind my ears.

Ok. Maybe not.

We don’t need to go raid our friend’s hives for honey, either. This quote has to do with being tactful – on purpose.

You know what I’ve discovered? To be tactful, I DO have to be purposeful about it. It is super simple to be tactless. Especially when angry! I’ve learned that if I’m to be tactful, thereby attracting more attention with my “honey”, I have to set out with very real purpose ahead of time. It seems we were created to have a lot of excess vinegar on hand.

Tart Words

I think a lot of folks do not realize that the quote begins with, “Tart words make no friends”. Last week I received a lot of private responses about the post “A Special Kind of Stupid“. Some things people with disabilities shared with me made me very upset. You just would not believe some of the things that “normal” people say to folks with invisible illnesses or disabilities. Then again, if you follow “Hearing Elmo”, perhaps you would believe it as you likely have some connection to the disability or chronic illness communities.

Though it may be difficult, we really have to remember to put a cap on our – erm – vinegar when responding to some of the stupid things we hear in our day-to-day lives.

No, She Is Really Unhappy

Take an example from last week in “A Day in the Life with a Service Dog”. At Walmart, as per my usual mid-week major errand, Chloe and I ended up attracting some attention. As I outlined in an article for Gale Hannan at “Hearing Health Mattters“, if you don’t like attention then do not mitigate your disability with an assistance dog. You are going to attract attention. It becomes easy to ignore and if you are deaf like I am, you don’t even hear all the exclamations of surprise. However, sometimes I’m stopped. Dog-lovers like Walmart… or so it would seem. Most of the time I am very glad to stop and answer questions. I carry information about hearing dogs and balance-assist dogs with me for opportunities just like these. I’ve discovered, however, that if I stand around TOO LONG, folks begin to unplug their brains before asking questions. There is this “fine line” of how much time is “long enough”, prompting me to move on with my shopping. I evidently have not discovered that important timeframe yet. As I answered this lady’s reasonable questions, a lull occured in our conversation. That should have waved the red flags for me. Heck I’d take explosions in my underclothes if I could learn to pick up these cues.

But nope.

I stuck around too long.

“So does your beautiful service dog ever get to just be a dog? Does she ever get to play?”

Vinegar began pooling under my tongue. Chalk it up to living with a house full of very sarcastic people. I wanted to say, “You know? As a service dog she needs to earn her keep. The vest comes off at night and she is allowed to finally rest. She’s a working dog – not a playing dog. It wouldn’t do me any good for her to go around thinking she could ever play, right?” (said with saccharin sweetness).

Tactful Responses Ultimately Educate

Instead I swallowed the vinegar (grimace) and plastered on my best “WHAT A TERRIFIC QUESTION” face and replied, “Well she is a dog! She is a beloved member of our family. She gets play breaks at work and doesn’t actually wear her vest at home. She still does alerts and helps while at home, but she is off duty more than she is “on”. A healthy service dog is allowed to just be a dog. That is why she loves working for me. I set very realistic boundaries and expectations”.

Being tactful and pleasant is important if I’m to hope that I play even some small part in helping to educate others about hearing loss, balance disorders, and service dogs. If I’m angry and belligerent, I’m not going to “win friends nor influence people”.

And neither will you.

However…

Is It Ever OK to “Let ‘er Rip”?

I have lived with hearing loss and balance issues more than half of my life now. That means I have some experience. That does not mean that I do everything right. Folks ask me from time to time when it is OK to put others in their place.

We can’t exactly take out a megaphone and announce to everyone within earshot, “This person just said something STUPID”.

To demean others is never the right way to go. For one thing, it only makes US look bad. You certainly won’t promote education, compassion, or understanding in others if you deliberately embarrass or fuss at them. Having said that, I do believe that there are times that responding with sweetness and “honey” may not be the right answer. After all, it may be that you no longer WANT to attract that particular person who simply cannot and WILL not treat you like a normal human being. I believe the right time to load your water pistol with vinegar occurs when:

1. You’ve responded the right way over, and OVER again.

Maybe it is a family member that thinks their comments are funny. Maybe it is a co-worker whose remarks border on the unkind. At some point you may discover that the only way to educate someone is to be a little more FRANK – pardon the pun Benjamin Franklin!

Tired of the eye rolls and deliberate condescending response at a dinner table of “I’ll tell you later” after asking for a second repeat of what someone said? Perhaps it is time you gently laid your hand on their arm and said in a normal tone (for they likely do NOT have a hearing loss), “You know? It hurts my feelings when you say that and sigh and roll your eyes. I only want to hear what you said. You never actually remember to tell me later what it was. Don’t blow me off. What was funny? I want to participate in your life. I care about these moments and we will never re-live them or have them as “do overs”. I want to know what you said because I love you”. Others at the table may have grown quiet at this calm announcement. But that can work in your favor too. Sometimes educating others occurs by observing someone else getting educated. You may have let a little vinegar taint what you said. A little “sting” may be necessary to get through to calloused hearts.

2. You respond in defense of others.

Sometimes you may need to put up the honey aside and gear up with vinegar in order to stick up for someone else. I’m much quicker to speak up to a bully when the person being picked on is NOT ME. This has to be done carefully, however, as you do not want to take away an opportunity for someone else to stand up for themselves. When you live with disability, chronic illness, or invisible differences, you need to learn to be as independent as you can. It is healthy. You may need assistance in technology, puppy power, or by swallowing your pride and learning to ask for help.

However, there are times I believe, that we should step up and even figuratively lock arms with another who is being misunderstood to let them know they are not alone, and let a bully know they are being irrational – or STUPID.

We Won’t Always Do it Right

I can be a sour puss. Vinegar is more likely to run through my veins than honey. I’m allergic to bee stings.

Sometimes I blow it. I respond as if I don’t care if someone better understands disability and hearing loss. As a person of faith, I know this dishonors not only me, but also God. I have learned to say “I’m sorry” – and really mean it. Acknowledging that you aren’t feeling well today and mis-spoke or are feeling belligerent and should have kept your mouth shut shows maturity. Did you blow it? Well make it right. You know what to do.

Franklin, B. (2007). “Poor Richard’s Almanack”. Skyhorse Publishing, Inc. New York : New York, p. 44.

Denise Portis

© 2012 Personal Hearing Loss Journal