The Me I Want to Be

Here lately I’ve been living my life like… well? Like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve had insomnia, which is something I have very little experience with actually. Having a hearing loss and Meniere’s disease usually means that when I go to bed at night I have reached my “EXHAUSTED” mode. I take my cochlear implant off, brush my teeth, climb into bed and am normally asleep within ten minutes!

For the past month, however, I have not only had difficulty going to sleep, but I’ve had trouble STAYING asleep. There is far too much going through my mind, and I’ll just be honest with you… I’m worrying.

Now I hear others say from time to time that worrying is sin. I actually don’t hold to that. I don’t think it is a sin to worry, because we are all prone to do so. What is wrong is when we let that worry wreck our lives, or sidetrack us from why we are here. I don’t believe worry is sin unless we allow it to produce something negative in us. Worrying has to change to BELIEVING.

I’m in this period of life I like to think of as “pre-EMPTY NEST“. My daughter heads to Liberty University this fall as a transfer student. My son is graduating from high school this coming June. For the first time… I HAVE time. My kids are young adults and I certainly realize that there will be times when they still need MOM. Heck! I’m 43-years-old and there are times I still need MY mom! But for the first time, my short term goals don’t include doing anything on behalf of one of my kids. What were once my long-term goals, are now my short-term goals and I’m having to re-focus and make decisions about what I want to do … when I grow up. Cuz it’s here now…

I think part of the reason I have allowed “worry” to produce such a negative effect, is because I never thought I’d be who I am. Two decades ago I first began to think about    “someday”. I never thought I’d hear and communicate only because of the miracle of a cochlear implant. Being a “bionic woman” was not part of the plan, you see… and yet

here I am.

I never envisioned that when weather systems moved into the area I would have trouble walking. I never thought I’d have an assistance dog to help me find the direction of sounds and alert me to sounds I still don’t hear well. It wasn’t in “the plan” to have to ask my dog to pick up things that I drop.

Don’t get me wrong! I have a very positive self-image and like who I am

who I have become.

But I’d be lying if I said that this was what I imagined. I’m a 43-year-old woman with a couple of disabilities. I didn’t plan for it to be this way. There was a “me I want to be“. So I’ve been laying in bed at night worrying…

Should I go on to get my doctorate?

Will I be able to do what I want to do even though I have a hearing loss?

Will others believe in me and see my abilities, or be sidetracked by the disabilities?

Am I even capable of doing what I dream of doing, or should I change my dreams?

When Worry Becomes SIN

So it doesn’t take a “rocket scientist” to figure out that this period of worrying for ME… has turned into sin. I’m not sleeping. I’m tossing and turning and fretting. So yeah! The worrying hasn’t produced anything positive nor been the impetus for a purposeful change. Instead I’ve been miserable

and tired.

Have you ever been afraid to dream for fear that God would say “no”? Maybe you don’t even want to voice what your goals and dreams are to Him because you are pretty sure He’ll say, “Nope! That isn’t My plan for you!

I believe that God gifts us and equips us to reach our goals. I think our dreams are simply little seeds that we are born with that grow as the result of our utilizing our God-given skills, talents, and strengths. In each of us there is the potential to realize our dreams. Excessive worrying can side-track us from taking those steps towards our dreams.

I’ve also decided to quit silently worrying and just go public with what I hope for! How else are others able to pray for me, and encourage me? For quite awhile I’ve been afraid to voice what my dreams are for fear of people rolling their eyes. I know it isn’t going to be easy. I also know that it will take time to get there. The “me I want to be” is the me God has equipped me to be after all! Sure… sometimes we make poor choices and the “getting there” may end up being a more indirect route. Or perhaps “life happens” and you end up with a life-changing, daily challenge in your life. It doesn’t make your dreams unattainable.

So… pray for me if God brings me to mind, won’t you? This working towards “the me I want to be” is scary sometimes. I’ll promise to pray for you too… just shoot me an email and let me know how I may do that on your behalf!

My dreams (now public knowledge)…

I want to teach MORE than I am now, and would like to teach in a community college.

I want to write a book.

Denise Portis

© 2010 Personal Hearing Loss Journal

P.S. An incredible book I am enjoying… “The Me I Want to Be” by John Ortberg. Click the book to find out more!

5 thoughts on “The Me I Want to Be

  1. I think you are an excellent writer and just today I was thinking that you should write a book (about your adventures in Walmart!) I will be praying for you as God leads you into this new chapter (forgive the pun) of your life! 🙂

  2. Being a few years older and hearing disabled I may understand what you are going through. It is a transitional period of your life with more time for you. I have used a God box, where I write down my worries, put them in the box, and let God handle them. I have always said that the things you worry about don’t happen. It is the ones that you didn’t think of that do.
    I even took a temporary assignment in Houston Texas when my youngest daughter was in her freshman year of college. It didn’t work out well for me and I returned 4 months later thinking that my career was at an end. Boom, it blossomed and I became a branch chief of an important project. Now again in retirement, another transitional stage that I have been in for 12 years, finding goals and purpose in life is difficult for me. I am happy at this time and enjoying my retirement. I do taxes for seniors and others as a volunteer and I am helping people one on one in learning to use the computer as they want to use it. What is my future? I have no idea but seeing the people around me going downhill leads me to believe that that may be my future. In the meantime, I will reach out to do whatever interests me and live one day at a time, hopefully to the fullest that I am capable of. If I make a few wrong turns, so what. I will go another way.
    Feel better.

  3. I struggle because I have both grown children and young ones. There’s the tension between being ready to move on, yet wanting to be there for the youngest like I was for the oldest. There’s the daily feeling that I’m running out of time, the regret that the youngest kids get a tired old bag for a mom while the older ones got an energetic, yet clueless mom. (Not sure which is better: wise old bag? clueless babe? Which would I prefer?)

    All this to say that I, who have always been able to sleep anytime, anywhere, am now finding myself awake at 3 a.m. worrying that I should be doing something–but not sure what that something is.

  4. Denise,

    You are truly an inspiration to me 😀

    I’m sorry you’re going through this time of worrying. I struggle with it too. Praying for you what I pray for me…

    that we will be anxious about nothing, but by prayer and petition with thanksgiving we will present our requests to God, and that the peace of God – which transcends all understanding – will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus.

    Can’t wait to buy your book :D!!!


  5. sweet lovely lady, I’ll most certainly pray for you. And I understand the churning sensation of a transition. Unfortunately God has to make us uncomfortable, or we don’t move on, we want to stay with what we know. It’s a divine swift kick, I guess. And the tension is always between what I want and what God has in mind. Got a bit of wrestling going on myself.
    And write that book, ya hear? You’ve got one advanced copy ready to sell right here.

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