Denise with “baby” of the family, Chris (16 years old)

Do you know that I’ve been trying to lose my “baby weight” since 1991? The fact that my “baby” is now 16 years old, means nothing! The “battle of the bulge” is a war I’ve fought since I myself was 16 years old. I’m comfortable with my weight now, but I could stand to lose 10-15 pounds. I’m trying to concentrate more on “getting healthy”. My trainer at Fidos For Freedom has been encouraging me to lift weights to “strengthen my core”, more by her own example than any coaxing she gives verbally. She’s one of those women who run local races, lifts weights, eats right and is an annoying “Spark” person. (Well, she’s not really annoying, but the fact she makes it look easy is!) But ya know something? There are times I stand in front of that open refrigerator door and long to choose a big bowl of ice cream instead of humus and whole wheat toast. I’ve asked myself… “Do You Ever Get to Quit TRYING?”

My mother lives in a “closed gate” community (meaning no one under 50 years old is allowed in unless you are there to visit… mow someone’s lawn… or deliver the mail) in central Florida. I guess she actually lives there with my dad too, but they do a number of things “without the other” and TOPS is one of those things. My mother is actually a TOPS leader (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) and has lost over 50 pounds since retiring. If anyone can be an example of “getting healthy” it’s my mom. But sometimes I groan inwardly… “you mean I’ll be 65 years old and STILL be trying to eat healthy? Even then, I won’t “Get to Quit TRYING?”

But you know at 41 years old, I’ve finally figured something out. Things worthwhile take time, and being “healthy” is a lifestyle not a 3 month diet plan. I’ve even discovered this to be true of my hearing loss.

If you would have asked me at 24 if I thought I’d have a disability at 41, I would answered “of course not”! I simply would not have understood the magnitude of a progressive hearing loss… a downward spiral of loss that would eventually result in a full-blown disability.

I’ve had a number of people tell me what a great attitude I have about my hearing loss and deafness. What they don’t realize, is that I have to get up every morning and determine to have a good attitude about it! Nothing about hearing loss is easy. It affects every relationship I have.

I’ll be honest with you… at times I just want to quit trying. I get tired of asking for repeats. I am tired of having to be in the same location as another person to have a conversation! (I long to talk to my son over the 6 foot privacy fence to let him know he better get his tail back in the BACKYARD because he missed several places with the lawnmower!) I get tired of my food growing cold, because my husband wants to “talk” while eating at a restaurant. I’m simply incapable of eating and talking at the same time. I get really weary of the entire globe spinning like a top, causing me to walk like I’m intoxicated because a storm front has moved into the area. I get really tired of facing a flight of stairs with “fear and trembling” as my vertigo makes stairwells the single most dangerous place for me to be. It gets really old to not hear a single thing in the morning until I walk over to my Dry N’ Store container and put my cochlear implant on. Sometimes I just want to “Quit TRYING“.

But what is the alternative?

Regarding our health… we’d all be obese and have heart disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure. No one would live past 50 years old. (My mom and dad’s retirement community would be empty).

Regarding hearing loss… I’d be in a self-imposed isolated world. A very SMALL world. I’d be bitter, angry and deaf. I choose to be accepting, happy, and coping with deafness.

So… I don’t “Get to Quit TRYING“. And neither should you!

Denise Portis
©2007 Hearing Loss Diary